The Dreaded Topic: Divorce

 Divorce is not a fun topic by any means.  It usually entails resentment, anger, hurt, and long-lasting effects that will bother the divorced spouses and the children.  Today, we learned the importance of being educated about the predictors for divorce.  By understanding what can predict divorce, we can prepare ourselves before the word is mentioned in a marriage.  Some common make divorce appear to be an option to an unhappy marriage if: they grew up seeing their parents' unhealthy relationship, follow their parents' destructive patterns, recreating their parents' patterns (this is usually habitual and some may not even recognize it), and cohabitation.  We can break these harmful patterns and predictors by becoming conscious and aware of our own situations.  There are some qualities children love about their parents' techniques for parenting and some we would hope we can avoid in our future.  Recognition of those patterns is crucial, once we can recognize them, we can follow the 3 P's: preparing, planning, and practicing.  The 3 P's will help us redefine our situation and future.  In a talk given by Bruce R. Hafen, he discusses the percent each spouse should give in a marriage.  I'll paraphrase, but he says that if each spouse gives 100%, when one falls short, there is always enough between the two spouses to make up the difference, thus there is a safety net to guard the marriage!  However, if each spouse only gives 50%, then when one falls short, there is nothing to make up the difference.  I ask each reader out there, please safe guard your marriage (whether it is now or in your future).  Marriage is a beautiful and unifying gift, troubles will come and go, some more difficult than others.  However, if two people are giving 100% and helping their spouse when one falls short, you can get through just about any problem.  Divorce is so harmful for all parties involved (children, in laws, the divorcing spouses, friends of the couple, etc). 

Parents with Respect

This week we watched a great video that listed four qualities that are important to parenting: responsibility, cooperation, respect, and courage.  It will help them to learn how to respond to opportunities and challenges, work with others, reciprocate respect, and to "have a willingness or ability to face challenges/experiences to an unknown problem" (Brother Williams).  To use an active parenting style, the parents must choose to be a team with the children, while upholding authority respectively.  We should want to become parents because they will be the ones who take care of the world, we want the best for our future generations even if it does not influence us directly.  We learned that children cooperate with parents much better when they are given choices, included in decision making (such as consequences of disobeying the commitments made to the parents), and are treated in all situations with love instead of anger and hostility.  We hope the best for our children, that they may have even better lives than the ones we lived.  In parenting as a loving and respectful team, the children will be better prepared to "survive and thrive in the world they are going to live in". What I hope some people understand is that parenting can be just as rewarding for the parents as it can for the children.  Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks?  Parents can learn how to live unselfishly and more wholesome by raising children because they want to be a good example.  When parenting, you gain a greater understanding of unconditional love and commitment. You are refined as a person with guided with love from your Heavenly Father and spouse.  An old saying my elementary school overused is, "there is no I in team".  I think it most certainly can be applied to the family because it requires that we work together and must put our family's needs above our own selfish needs.  A wonderful blessing from parenting with respect comes from the reciprocated love and enjoyment of spending time together, which ironically gives every parent what they really want- greater cooperation from their children. 

The Importance of a Homemaker

The term homemaker has become a bit "outdated".  But the importance of the role has since remained, although becoming covered up by the feminist's protests for equality.  Women really began entering the work force during WWII as a means to produce the goods and services need in war needed by the men serving in the war.  After the men came home, some women fought to keep their jobs and fought returning back to being a homemaker.  This was a damaging stepping stone for families because it took mom's out of the home and left the children to return home to an empty house or seek care outside of the home.  Some of the disruptions of families from moms not being home with the kids after school are:  siblings coming home to each other, more arguing because mom is not there to mediate, older children having to take on more responsibilities to watch over the younger siblings, schedules are disrupted since the parents get home later and have to fulfill all the responsibilities during what used to be "family time".  Now "family time" after homework time is filled with trips to the grocery stores, chores, homework, cooking dinner, and if there is time left over, managing to squeeze in some time to discuss each other's days.  This is leading to and has led to families becoming more distant with one another and families not knowing each other as well because they are not able to spend as much time with family.  It is heartbreaking to see how many families are putting family time as a low priority because of work, school, and all of the other activities that distract families from being together.  This is one of Satan's ploys in destroying families and has covered it well to make it appear like the world suddenly does not have enough hours in the day to include family time.  Ideally, homemakers are important because it gives families more time to talk about each other's days, having dinner together, kids helping the mom cook, and mom being able to teach valuable lessons to the children.

Effects of Miscommunication

Are you partaking in casual conversation in your text message or are you MAKING A POINT?!  This week we discussed the Feedback Loop.  It was really interesting to understand how thoughts and feelings are portrayed and received/interpreted.  The Feedback Loop describes the communication process in which one person expresses or says something is with meaning, is then aided by or through the media to be decoded through interpretation by the listener, and finally, the listener reacts with their thoughts and feelings in regards to the topic.  The media (words, tones, or non-verbal cues) can help us decipher what the speaker is actually trying to say.  As the listener, we combine the words with the tone in which the words were said or with non-verbal cues, such as eye rolling or a smiling.  If the speaker has a lot on their mind and is absentmindedly partaking in the conversation, the media cues they use may be in reaction to what is on their mind or what they are talking about.  For instance, the speaker just got off the phone after a frustrating phone conversation in which their voice was loud.  If the speaker says something to the listener right after, his tone may still match that from the heated argument instead of being in reference to the new interaction with the listener.  Misinterpreting thoughts or feelings from someone is especially easy to do through some form of text communication, whether it is text messages, Facebook, email, etc.  If the sender of the message adds too many exclamation marks, the reader may think the sender was portraying anger or harsh emotions.  If the sender said, "I thought you said you vacuumed!!!!!!" the reader may be quite appalled and may even snap back with a rude comment.  But if the sender said, "I thought you vacuumed."  The reader might be more apt to replying in a kind manner that he was going to, but got stuck at campus longer than anticipated, and perhaps they he will get to it when he gets home.  In more serious scenarios, things can escalate real quickly if the sender and the reader are not careful to encode or decode the messages effectively.  It is important, as communication via text becomes increasingly popular, that the messages sent and received are taken with precaution.  What could easily be interpreted as someone smiling during a conversation face-to-face, but a smiley face emoticon that is sent through a text message instead can be mistaken as someone flirting.  If a third party then sees that message, they could misinterpret how it was meant and all sorts of miscommunication problems come into play.  Text communication can be beneficial to a relationship, friendship, etc. or it can be severely damaging.  I loved the quote that was shared in the class by Harold B. Lee, "[w]e should communicate so clearly, not only that we can be understood, but that we can not be misunderstood".  I think it is important to strive to live by this quote every time we are involved in text communications because it can prevent a lot of unnecessary tensions/problems or damaging miscommunication.  

Crises - Helpful or Harmful?

 In class we defined crises as "danger + opportunity".  No one can be lucky enough to go through life without facing the trials of crises.  But even if it were possible, would we want to?  Would we purposely choose to live without crises?  It might sound nice, but what good would it do for us?  It is like asking Heavenly Father why we couldn't all just stay in the pre-Earth life if we were already converted, what is the purpose of coming to Earth.  The purpose is to face these trials and crises and to stretch and grow.  We are given families for special purposes to teach and learn from each other, to learn how to become closer.  Experience helps us to learn how to handle crises in the future.  Crises can do one of two things - it can build a family up or it can tear it apart.  It is all in how a family chooses to handle the crises.  Losing loved ones, finding out about a terminal illness, etc.  those are all difficult scenarios to handle.  But do we stick our head in the sand and pretend nothing is happening - limiting our growth from the crisis - OR do we choose to pull together as a family, depend on each other, comfort one another?  The right choice is obvious, but it is not always easy to accomplish.  It is my sincerest hope that every person chooses the right way of handling crises, that our future families will be stronger than our generation of families were.  Hold your families close and dear, go to them before anyone else when you are going through a difficult time, and cherish those moments of unity.  A happier, healthier cohesive family handles conflict better than those families who are more centrifugal or "off-balanced" families.  

Importance of Waiting for the One

It is so important to wait until marriage to have sex because the effects are more than temporal pleasure.  It reduces the risk of regrets later on, but also it has to do with the chemicals in the brain.  During sex, three chemicals are secreted in the brain: serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin.  Serotonin is responsible for the feel good sensations or what makes you happy.  Dopamine is responsible for causing the feelings of excitement.  Lastly, oxytocin is the main reason to wait because it is a bonding chemical.  By having sex with partners, you become bonded to an individual, which is in part what makes those break ups even more difficult.  God created this bonding agent to help keep families together for eternity, it is a blessing and should not be misused because of the serious effects from the bonding chemical.  

Too quick to divorce?

We are growing up in a "throw away" society.  Everything seems to either be disposable or easier/more desirable to buy new than to fix these days: paper plates, iPods, clothes, you name it!  Why must marriage be one of them?  Of course, you don't necessarily buy marriage, unless you're talking mail order brides, but some consider it to be easier to divorce and remarry than it is to fix the problems faced.  Easy is not a descriptive word of marriage; in fact, it can be rather difficult if the marriage is troubled.  Some of the happiest times in a marriage are at the beginning and after the last child moves away.  This is not to be confused to think that marriage is miserable after children are brought into the picture, but it does change the marital relationship significantly.  Marital satisfaction tends to decrease with the birth of each child, but if the marital relationship is nurtured throughout the children's lives, it can still be great and will increase as each child grows up and leaves the home. The problem is that too many couples do not want to wait long enough or put enough effort into fixing the marriage, it's much "easier" to divorce and start over looking for love else where.  Marriage enrichment is vital to marital satisfaction!

When it Comes to Dating, Time is Your Friend!

I feel confident saying that the majority of the world has lost the true and beneficial concepts of dating.  To be honest, my views of dating was seriously misconstrued until I started becoming more educated on the topic- and believe me, the ways of truly dating have made such a difference in my life.  Dating is a science that is crucial to understand, but quite easy to misinterpret. There are many reasons or functions of dating:  recreation, intimacy, companionship, finding a mate, status attainment, and socialization.  If we want to begin understanding we must first understand socialization.

Socialization (noun) :  "a continuing process whereby an individual acquires a personal identity and learns the norms, values, behavior, and social skills appropriate to his or her social position" (www.dictionary.com).

I also think it is important to understand the real meaning of dating.

Dating (noun) :  "A social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person" (www.dictionary.com).

How does one learn socialization?  We learn it best through the real meaning of dating!  Dating is meant to be a variety of activities with a variety of people.  By dating this way, and not becoming a permanent fixture upon another person, one can truly understand the importance of socialization vs. exclusively dating someone in which they know little about.  We can learn to understand with whom we "click" with better, understand who we are as an individual, find things we like about different people and use those things to help us understand who we are looking for as a spouse, our eternal companion!  Dating creates opportunities to really get to know somebody before considering themselves an "exclusive" couple.  Sure, it may seem weird or difficult to let the person you like go on dates with different people, but if it does not work out between the two of you, then you are saving yourself unnecessary heartache about a person whom (in the grand scheme of things) you do not know very well, and which it is probably a blessing that you two did not date exclusively.  On a side note, one of the most fascinating things I learned this week was that it takes at least three months to begin to get to know a person!  So why jump into an exclusive relationship so fast?  Why not get to know each other on a friend basis first?  By dating casually and without allowing physical touch to become an issue, you can truly get to know someone before you put your heart on the line.  Take the opportunities of socialization; get to know a variety of people in a variety of activities so that you can know exactly what you want in a spouse and save yourself heartache.  Time is on your side, so don't be so quick to claim a relationship as exclusive.  I promise the blessings from doing so outweigh the idea/hurt of not wanting the person you like going on dates with other people.

When God created Adam and Eve, He made them different for many reasons.  The purpose of God's plan satisfies the ability to form together as a unit and to procreate.  In addition, the differences between genders are meant to balance out the traits and characteristics of each other, one may be more nurturing and the other more disciplinary.  I have a difficult time with the content we have been learning about because society is so desperately trying to make everyone equal, but we were not made equal on purpose.  Society is mistaking equality for trying to make genders one in the same.  In a video we watched, Men, Women, and the Sex Difference by John Stossel, there was a woman with strong feminist beliefs.  She said that we should focus more on raising boys more like our girls or girls more like our boys.  However, we are influencing or inhibiting them from developing their qualities that God intended each gender to have.  Children start showing gender differences from the time they are newborns, such as newborn girls are more likely to imitate facial expressions.  This is not because they were raised to know this, but because it is something in the genetic makeup.  If we try to raise children gender neutral, we are inhibiting them from developing the characteristics God intended each gender to have.  The video explained that certain women wanted to have equal opportunities as men, specifically wanting to have the same opportunities to be fire fighters.  Standards for women were lowered to enable a chance for them to have the same opportunity as a man applying for the job.  There are certain situations in which I can understand equality in men and women, such as some business careers, however, a woman is not capable of completing the same physical tasks as men.  This is not being sexist against women, there are many men who do not make it on the squad as well because they cannot satisfy all the requirements.  These requirements are put in place to ensure the safety of those who are in need of help.  This also plays part in paramedics.  Take my grandpa for example, we had to call an ambulance for him one morning.  When the paramedics arrived, one man and one woman came to his aid.  Now, this woman being knowledgeable in her area of duty, did not make any difference when she was unable to perform the physical part of the job.  Since she was unable to lift my grandpa onto the stretcher, they had to call back up assistance.  Instead of getting him to the hospital as quickly as possible, we had to wait even longer for the back up to arrive, thus slowing down the proper care he needed by the doctors.  Men and women may have the same desires for having a particular job, but if they cannot meet all of the qualifications, it is not a sexist decision, rather a decision made in the best interest for those in need of help.  It is my strongest belief that men and women were created differently for a reason.  I do not believe every woman should be made to be a house wife if undesired, but I do believe there are certain things men and women do not "equally" qualify for based on the ways we were created. 

Discussing stereotypes and classifications of people can be a rather touchy and offensive topic.  I grew up in a very integrated area with people from various cultures, so I feel as though I have a pretty good sense of diversity which I feel makes me a little more understanding and accepting than some others.  However, I am not perfect (although sometimes I like to think my thoughts and opinions are all perfect, it is rarely the case).  I still have weak moments in which I categorize people and apply stereotypes when I should know better.  For instance, the people where I am from are very much city people - they keep to themselves (you almost always see people walking the streets with headphones in or hand-free headset for their phone), they suffer from what I call tunnel vision (they typically divert their eyes to avoid eye contact of people passing by), and they walk in fast forward (trying to get from location A to location B as quick as possible).  It is easy to pass judgments from a quick glance at somebody (even in the quick glance moment of passing city walkers), however, our likelihood of being correct in our judgment is very unlikely.  Putting people into these categories in our minds is very dangerous.  We may subconsciously make assumptions about their individual character or lifestyle.  In doing so, we may pass by opportunities to get to know some great people and cause great emotional hurt to them by treating them differently than we would someone we classify more similar to ourselves.  Another one of the problems of categorizing people is that people do not easily fit into one particular category, thus we have taken away a part of who they are by either forcing them into one category or another.  We may also treat these people differently, but in reality people are just people and deserve to be treated equally.  I want to share an experience that I found to be hurtful and eye opening.  I was walking through an expensive boutique in the quaint downtown of where my grandparents live.  I was shopping around all of the little shops near the river with my mom and grandma when this beautiful window display dragged us into the shop.  We walked in and said hello to the employees, yet we received no response.  We were dressed normal, but it was obvious we were very out of place.  Now, I would consider my family a very honest and good deed-doing kind of family, but yet these upper class women followed us around as if we were waiting on our chance to pocket everything in sight.  It was so degrading and just goes to show how they were too quick to pass judgment onto us.  The problem with this experience is that we were categorized and made out to be something we weren't, and thus we felt offended for being mistreated when they didn't even give us the opportunity to show them the type of people we actually are.  This weeks lesson really opened up my eyes to how we should not be so quick to stereotype or classify people and redirect our thinking when those thoughts come up.  I have a lot I can improve upon, no change takes place over night, but I know that we can make a difference a little at a time.  It is my hope, that people will learn to be more accepting of people different from themselves by learning to appreciate the differences in people and by standing up against stereotyping, even if it means standing alone.  

The Effects of Role Playing

When done properly, we can understand the concepts demonstrated in role playing.  In class this week, we had three students act as a family unit: mother, father, and daughter.  We also had our teacher, Brother Williams, act as the marriage counselor.  We watched them role play as a family unit who had been dealing with their daughter suffering from bad fits of asthma.  We learned that instead of letting one parent take care of a situation (in this case, the mother being the one who usually calms the daughter when she was suffering an asthma attack), when both parents worked together as a unit, the daughter felt safer and had less frequent asthma attacks.  I think it is an interesting concept that children have the ability to sense a strain or a stronger bond between the parents having an effect on the environment, becoming less stressful and more safe.  In this scenario,  the parents loved each other and had a good relationship, but because they were separating responsibilities as parents and not necessarily working together, there was a disconnect in the family structure that they could not identify on their own in regards to what was causing the frequent asthma attacks.  Role playing in the classroom environment helped me to understand the importance of changing the family's habits instead of changing one family members habits.  When the family works together to fix a problem, the effects are greater and last much longer, where as, changing one family member's habits only lasts for so long before they revert back into their old habits. 

Slow first week!

     Well, we're just getting into the class routine and this week does not give me a lot to choose from to discuss. We mostly settled into and got a feel for the way the semester is going to go, but I do think there is something interesting we talked about and that is the challenges of research.  One challenge is that, believe it or not, the recorder of the information does not always site a source properly, thereby bending and twisting the true cited meaning.  Shocking... yes, I know.  But now you see, I am a very gullible person and I find it difficult to sort through research because like a child, I believe everything I hear.  Now, my argument to that is that Christ says "be like unto a child", so really, I hold the secret to our Earthly life. ;)  
     Okay so I am sort of joking, but in all seriousness, how is it that people like me find reliable sources that we do not have to read and feel tricked?  Well, let's start with staying away from Google!  Personally, I am not a fan of Bing so I will always choose Google when searching for something online.  With that being said, stick with scholarly journals for a start.  Research is complicated and quite the headache!  I offer my advice this evening, if you face the situation this semester that you need to find reliable research, I recommend two Tylenol, a large glass of water, relaxing music, a trip to the scholarly journals in the library, and followed by a little reward to yourself!  :)  
     I hope everyone starts their semesters by being able to keep their focus and keep the stress levels down!  

First week kick off!

Well, today makes for my first post as a blogger... ever.  I will be blogging once a week for my Family Relations class on different topics we discuss in class and I hope to get some feedback too! :)